Blaming for survival

No matter how distanced we may seem at the surface, we are intermingled on the inside. As we concentrate on every minuscule detail, we overlook the big picture. You and me, we're alike. We fear the same things in life. We dread the same consequences. We love the same comfort and we strive for the same success. Problem is, we're all quick to point fingers and blame each other for our own shortcomings. It just seems... easier. But see... while we are focusing on transferring all this hatred, all this disgust, and all this disappointment, we seem to ignore the fact that we have been just wasting time. It could take us half that time to improve ourselves and change our lives for the better. But we're in a hurry. We are too quick for our own good. We are hurt and we act fast to create a gap between the horrifying truth and ourselves. It's how we survive. It's wrong, yet it's right to us because that is how we see ourselves healing from our mistakes. Mistakes that we will not claim.

Sometimes it's okay to accept that things don't make sense. Sometimes it's alright to feel confused and lost. Sometimes there is nothing we can do and it is fine to presume whatever that has been done was inevitable to begin with. But let's hold on a second here.

These are two different situations. One situation is where we have done something we aren't proud of, something we wish we could either take back or improve on, something that we are not comfortable owning up to. The other situation is something that is clearly out of our hands. Fate. Uncontrollable.

You know what is so sickening though? How we love to blend the two situations above, as if we don't know any better. It's kind of that evil genius in us. How we can be so manipulative and try to confuse our own minds with what the absolute truth is. Is this survival? Is it really helpful? And if so, to who?

Life is what you make it.

Life is what you make it. I have said this for the longest time and truly do believe in it. I don't sit there with any expectations though. I'm not using the term to define myself as a pessimist, nor am I going to say I'm an optimist. What I mean is how you see life is definitely up to you, whether what it is in actuality might be as factual as it can be.

You live a life full of struggle. Every day is worse than the one before. The next meal is a mystery. The next minute is unpredictable. Your life is terrible. What can you make of it? Plenty. Are odds against you? Definitely. But is that what I am referring to? No.

Most likely you will suffer and will keep on suffering until you pass away and fold on the horrible hand you were dealt. But how is life what you make it? Those simple moments you did live, how did you see them? How did you feel about them? What made you different from the person next to you? Did you laugh some days or did you cry all the time? Did you sit there and think about the beauty in everything you saw or did you wish for it to rot? Did you go out there and hug the world and its warmth or did you isolate yourself in darkness, in the cold, waiting for the dark?

Every second we spend, the way we spend it, tells a lot about us. It's not about what we've been given to work with, and even what we will end up doing with it, but HOW we feel at those given moments and how we see ourselves and those around us.

Different states

Sometimes when we're thinking, we begin to take note that we are deep in thought. Is that even possible? Can we distance ourselves yet be tangled in tumors of memories? Can we become fully aware of our surroundings and still be lost? I can see myself stuck in loops, repeating moments, wasting time in endless mazes. I realize this. I'm able to make complete sense of my abilities at the time.  During all of that, I find myself underneath stacks of past mistakes, embedded in my presence, in the present, within layers of stress.  Or I've shifted into the future, planning out every move that can get me to where I'll probably never be.

Can I exist in two different states? Ones that contradict each other?  Can I be calm as ever while having an anxiety attack? I believe anything is possible so I shouldn't rule anything out. It's human nature to conclude what we cannot achieve, not what we can and have or will. I can't sit here and keep pointing out that I am writing this blog while being so lost in it that I cannot stop typing. I am self aware and I am also too lazy to be analytical.

Dissolve.

Sometimes it is best to let yourself dissolve, to let yourself become part of the mixture, to let yourself submerge. As calming as it sounds, it's quite the opposite. Nowadays, it takes more to maintain that serenity, that composure. Don't get me wrong. You should never stop yourself from speaking out. You should give voice to every thought that deserves an audience. I'm talking about a different type of state. It's where you let the reactants react while you wait for them to calm down and take their place. You're not in motion, they are. You're the stability. You're the assurance. The guarantee. The affirmation. You're still and it's good to be just that. You won't become simple. You can never be that. You're complex as they come. Complicated. Perplexed at times. But why let the confusion define you? Let it guide you. Let the irony displace itself while you stay in one place.

It's the only way sometimes.

Becoming what we fear.

In order to understand our relationship with this world, we must put our point of view to sleep. We must see ourselves from the outside. Not just outside of our bodies but outside of our minds. This outer perspective cannot be a familiar feeling. If we attempt to try this, we must realize that it has to feel out of place. It has to feel unwelcoming. If not, we aren't there yet. We aren't seeing things from an absolute side. We can only do that if we have pushed ourselves to the point that we are unsure if we can even identify ourselves any longer. We must become strangers in order to see the truth, to see things from a stranger's point of view. We must become the unknown. We must become what we fear.

Truth.

While we stay fixated on what is true, we confuse ourselves within lies. As hard it is to readjust our perspective to realign ourselves with what's right, we can't help but feel so wrong. The truth isn't defined by our belief of what it is, but rather what it exists as its own. Our facts, formed by our eyes, our ears, and our senses, is subjective at every corner, at every turn. Misconceptions. Miscommunication. Misunderstandings. We are misguided at every "truth." But see, it becomes too hard to dissect our truth to find the real one. It becomes too difficult to detach ourselves from our assurance. We can't give birth to doubt when assurance reigns our mind. We cannot subject ourselves to such harsh conditions where our truth may not be just that. It's horrendous just considering it for even a second! How can it be? How can something we have touched, seen, heard, smelled, and tasted not be what we have defined it to be? How can our definitions be just descriptions, skewed by our opinions? How can these facts we have revealed just be opinions after all? OR worse... misinformation? Can it be that what we believe to be the truth is anything but that? Can it be that we go on with our lives for years and years just to convince ourselves that our truth is the only truth and that anyone challenging it is an advocate of lies? That we are not capable of lies because our memory serves us right? That our memory of what we have touched and seen and heard and smelled and tasted is so accurate.... no one can change a second of those moments with their OWN truths? This is what I have been dealing with today. I've been interacting with a person who feels that their truth is the ultimate truth, while everyone else around disagrees. This person's memory is evidence for the truth they believe in. How can memory not be an altered version of the truth? How can memory be so right? Memories are distorted. Present emotions influence past ones. How can OUR sense of what our memories ARE be any close to the truth? It sounds like it would be anything but! We are fueled by anger and misguided emotions. We are troubled. We are broken and we think our false memories can bring us closer to a solution. Well, solutions cannot be reached if the situation is built on a lie, an altered memory, a made up problem, a distortion. And there you have it people, what my day has been like today. Sitting there, trying to reason with someone to convince them that their truth is anything but that. It is like asking for a believer to give up his faith. It's undoable unless you can show them something greater. What's greater than your truth? The real truth.

Problems.

We cannot run away from our problems because problems aren't something that remain in detachable rocks that you can hide and walk away from. These problems are embedded in us. We can walk to any part of this world, any time of our life, and until we resolve these problems... They will not only continue to exist but they will keep knocking at our door. You may not agree but that could be because you haven't heard the knock. Or you have, but you are too afraid to admit it. We can't be brave all the time, but we have to decide to devote ourselves to bravery at some point. That is the only way to set ourselves free from the problems. Set ourselves to explore a period of serenity. A moment of peace. Silence filled with shouting joy. Timeless ending to the pain.

Racists.

We can't find racism because it is embedded in our soul because society has given birth to this seed. We have allowed other people's distorted views to mold ours. We are not fucking unique. We are a product of them. Recycled. We aren't different nor are we oh so enlightened. We aren't some elites so different from our parents, our grandparents, our ancestors. We are them and the only thing different is moderation. Does that equal improvement? No.  It is because as a whole we move into a direction where moderation is acceptable. And this is even more detrimental at times. Why? Because underneath this superficial moderation, we are racists and we let it remain hidden only to release it in bits so it would all go unnoticed. We don't fool anyone else though. Ever notice the number of misanthropes out there? It's growing by the second, or by the racist I mean.

No longer.

We enable ourselves to feel the worst. That is how we prepare ourselves to shut every possibility around us in those few panicking moments. We fight every inch of optimism in order to prepare ourselves to experience the worst. Is that how we should live? Does it hurt less? Does it break the fall? Lessen the impact? I don't know. I've been the same person, the one that will choose to be in isolation so she can feel the pressure. The hurt. The attack. I have to feel the rush and in those few moments, feel the worst that I can so the moments after can only feel better. Is that ideal? Is that how we should behave?

People tell me that isn't the way to live. There is no justified reason for feeling those sick moments. No need to fight the pressure and no need to breathe within it. How can that be? How can I feel good without feeling bad? How can I laugh after without crying first?

No one answers me but I know it all very well myself. Let's be blunt. Be honest. I have done it to me and you cannot ever understand why because you have never done it to yourself. And with that in mind, I am foreign to you. I am something incomprehensible to you. I am not your ideal. I am far from that and you are estranged within my lips. I am that image in your mind where I am just a distanced memory. I cannot win your heart because I am literally handing it back to you with the way I isolate myself in complete dissolution. I am not what you want and I drove you to this, wanting just that for those few terrible moments. But now I am no longer in that phase and neither in your heart. Too bad because I now want nothing else but your approval. And too bad, I will never get it.

Failure

We surround ourselves with failure because it strives us to win. While doing so, we begin to readjust our perspective on what is winning and what is losing. To lose is to fail? Or is it failure that causes us to become losers? Can we be winners and lose? Can we be winners and still face failure? How can we redefine these terms so we can feel at ease with our lives? We do so everyday. It has nothing to do with "standards" ... But rather what we are willing to expect.

Understand?

Do you understand that you cannot be truly understood? No one can look into you and figure you out. Half the time, you shock yourself with your own thoughts. Your behavior can be analyzed but not fully understood. No comprehension whatsoever. Take this knowledge and learn to accept your uniqueness. It means that there will always remain a part of every thought that will be kept a secret. A secret between you and you. What is better than that? It keeps that mystery factor alive. It keeps you safe. It keeps you from becoming old news, crumbled pages, an old rag. Understand? No? Awesome.

Revolve.

We can keep running or we can sit there and try to make sense of what is happening to us. It sounds like a choice but it really isn't. We must do what we have to considering the situation we are in. We can't freeze time but nor should we freeze ourselves. We can't let everything else revolve around us because sometimes we have to revolve too. Evolve. Involve. Solve. Resolve. But what do we do? We dissolve. And we cry about it but no one hears us. Muffled by denial and ignorance. Story of our lives but let's change the ending. We can. Really. All we have to do is not hand them the pen.

Catch.

No matter how much of ourselves we throw out there, someone has to be willing to catch us. Every bit of us. If they don't catch or haven't learned how to, that is no good to us. Why do we surround ourselves with such people though? It is a mockery. It is hurtful because as we lose pieces of ourselves hoping to be rejoined in better harmony, sometimes all that happens is that we just lose parts of us that we will never gain back. As tragic as that sounds, we should never try to refrain from trying. You never know who is on the other end of that throw, waiting to catch you at every angle, every distance, every height, at every moment.

Euphoria introduction

A little tighter grip. A cozier hug. A wetter kiss. And we think we have it all in our hands and that nothing can go wrong. That is euphoria and it is an illusion. It is unreal and that is what makes it to prominent in our minds.. In our hearts. This world can't sustain itself this way. A tripping concept but it is what it is. You have another theory? Sure you do but theories don't always work the way we would want them to. And that is real.

Done.

There are times when living becomes difficult. A challenge. It becomes the hardest task to stay alive, to stay away from danger, to keep yourself breathing. Obstacles over obstacles. It gets overwhelming. You can't think. You can't hear yourself exist. You think you are blending in, with all the heat, with all the noise. You may be just a background. Smearing into the humidity. Fearing everything while you search for order. Order for guidance. You have never been so lost. That was me today. How was your day?

Sick people

We are sick people and we will never be satisfied. We have anger that brews in our hearts. Our disappointments and sadness spice up our resentments.  We are corrupted as they come, gnawing at ankles so people can't walk. How can we expect an unreactive reaction? I am sorry, but are we expecting a slap of silence? Humility in their stares? An attack through their stillness? That is ridiculous. That isn't real. You know what is real? This world is real. Real as we can be, creating illusions to face reality. To show what is true... by masking in deception. I hate this world. I hate us. I hate what we become, every day that passes by. I hate what we come across just because of what we lay on the paths of others.

Room for room

They always say make room for this or that. We need to make room for room. Take the time to see if we can allow ourselves to wind down and come up with ways to fit in more.  To keep including. To keep inviting and letting more and more impact you. That is something we must prepare ourselves for. Otherwise, if we skip this step, we will find ourselves rushing through. Confused. Questioning why we aren't getting enough time to put enough in us. Let's take a breather. Let's wrap ourselves in creaming orders so we can rub it in our pores. Let it smoothen out our ridges and melt away friction.

Shadows

I don't remember when's the last time I danced with my shadow. The last time I let it slip from underneath me. Or the last time I let it lead me. The thoughts conjure up and I become more and more hesitant about what is real, what is divine, and what is just. Nothing is balanced but we strive for it anyways. We end up so unhappy though. Perhaps such sadness is justified by a damaged soul and a crippled shadow.

Out loud...

Whispers seem quiet, yet they scream in your ear. So loud, you are deafened with sound. We go on in this life keeping everything so low key, so hush hush, that sometimes we become an open book. Our pages flip at their fingertips, our edges bend when they want to remember. We think we control us, that we control the base. What good does it do? What good can it do? Our lives are run by their rules. Our secrets are piercing loud, ripping silence into crumbs. We are just specks at the end of the day. We remain quiet so they can hear us shouting. We look away just to make eye contact with guilt. We sigh so softly, just to cry it out. We show the cleanliness just to be stained with hate. What good can we do? Not much, you see. We are secrets that are raped by ears, abused by tongues, and whored by lips. We are so loud. Out and about, no matter how buried we remain.

Obsession

It becomes hard to differentiate what obsession is, what love is, what infatuation is, what a friendship is and so on. They all intermingle and sometimes that leads to something so wonderful. It is an experience that tells one a lot about oneself. It reveals beautiful secrets, images, emotions while also exposing internal fears. While it may become too distorted to keep watching, there is nothing else to do. You watch yourself become this beautiful nightmare. You try to grip reality while you take bliss in losing control. It is a struggle to live in the moment but almost detrimental to even think about escape. Sometimes we need to let go, to let free, to let ourselves destroy the other half so we can live in peace.