Irony.

We expand our knowledge just to become fools overtime. We build on experience just to be lost one day. We make friendships just to be alone at home. We get married just to cry to sleep every night. Aren't we a silly bunch? We live in irony. It's rather sad, if you think about it. The way I have just summarized it.... It isn't news. We just like to pretend we aren't aware. Yet, we are very alert. We know what goes on. Sometimes it's just easier to pretend you are still in denial.

overflow.

We hope for the best but sometimes we know there is no use. We are nothing but just wishes that won't happen. We don't exist yet because if we did, we'd feel alive. Are these thoughts constructive? No. Are they cohesive? No. Do they hold grudges? Yes...

Are we not allowed to feel? To associate those feelings with moments we spend so idle? Are we supposed to be transparent? That isn't right. How can it be? How can something so destructive... be not?

See, we're all the same. We lie to ourselves and pretend everything is okay. We continue living like this and we think it will be okay at the end. We think we have no choice so we are forced to behave this way. Forced by someone in particular? No. Forced by society? Not really. We're forced by impulse. We think it's the way to be because that is the only way to survive and make it at the end. It isn't true, but who is there to tell us this? Everyone else is blindly following the same path.

Overtime, we become conditioned to live like this... all while our tensions escalate. All while the bold truth that this is all wrong builds up inside us. It builds up rather slow and at one point, it erupts. It explodes. It cannot be saved. It cannot be recovered or healed. It cannot be patched up. All it can do is just overflow and destroy anything that gets in the path. It takes the form of anger and sadness and disappointment and loneliness. It destroys everything that surrounds it all while taking every bits of you right into its core. It melts your dreams. Your ambitions. Your smile and your life.

What is this entry? It has started. I've just begun to overflow.

Sad day.

Days like these when I feel alone and I think to myself, were my hardships worth this? You would think I would be questioning luxury, not loneliness. I try hard to please people. That is my biggest problem. While everyone is focusing on their joy, I am focusing on what I can do to make people happier. I am what you call a sucker. I get pulled into situations that have nothing to do with me. Then as I am helping, I am not appreciated. And as I have done way beyond what I even expected myself to do, I am critiqued to the fullest extent. I am not perfect. I never claim to be and I am far from it. My concern lies in a bed that no one sleeps in. My life revolves around an axis that rotates around things with no meaning to me. That's right. I live a meaningless life and I am so busy with bullshit that I often go on without noticing it. Days that I do acknowledge it, days like today, it hurts too deep. It all makes me question why tomorrow exists. Once a person realizes they are being scammed, do they go on with the scam? Do they continue to put themselves in such a harmful situation? I do. I continue to hurt whatever is left of me. I continue to cry only to wake up tomorrow and do what makes me sad. This life makes me sad. Giving everyone everything you got only to have nothing to show for it, makes me sad. How is this different from dying alone? In fact, I would prefer to die in this manner than live in it. When you are dying, it is an end to all of this. But what about me? Am I living just to be alone? How is that living? I feel empty. I feel like a broken vessel. No one cares for me and I am often overlooked. My exterior isn't worth a second glance and I am a burden to the shelf that carries me. It's overwhelming to arrive at these feelings on a single day. On a single night. Within couple minutes. All when you realize you don't matter enough to anyone and all you have done is cared. Oh how I wish I didn't care anymore. I doubt I will change who I am, even if who I am is what causes me to be this sad on a day like this. It's quite sad. Everything.