No longer.

We enable ourselves to feel the worst. That is how we prepare ourselves to shut every possibility around us in those few panicking moments. We fight every inch of optimism in order to prepare ourselves to experience the worst. Is that how we should live? Does it hurt less? Does it break the fall? Lessen the impact? I don't know. I've been the same person, the one that will choose to be in isolation so she can feel the pressure. The hurt. The attack. I have to feel the rush and in those few moments, feel the worst that I can so the moments after can only feel better. Is that ideal? Is that how we should behave?

People tell me that isn't the way to live. There is no justified reason for feeling those sick moments. No need to fight the pressure and no need to breathe within it. How can that be? How can I feel good without feeling bad? How can I laugh after without crying first?

No one answers me but I know it all very well myself. Let's be blunt. Be honest. I have done it to me and you cannot ever understand why because you have never done it to yourself. And with that in mind, I am foreign to you. I am something incomprehensible to you. I am not your ideal. I am far from that and you are estranged within my lips. I am that image in your mind where I am just a distanced memory. I cannot win your heart because I am literally handing it back to you with the way I isolate myself in complete dissolution. I am not what you want and I drove you to this, wanting just that for those few terrible moments. But now I am no longer in that phase and neither in your heart. Too bad because I now want nothing else but your approval. And too bad, I will never get it.

Failure

We surround ourselves with failure because it strives us to win. While doing so, we begin to readjust our perspective on what is winning and what is losing. To lose is to fail? Or is it failure that causes us to become losers? Can we be winners and lose? Can we be winners and still face failure? How can we redefine these terms so we can feel at ease with our lives? We do so everyday. It has nothing to do with "standards" ... But rather what we are willing to expect.

Understand?

Do you understand that you cannot be truly understood? No one can look into you and figure you out. Half the time, you shock yourself with your own thoughts. Your behavior can be analyzed but not fully understood. No comprehension whatsoever. Take this knowledge and learn to accept your uniqueness. It means that there will always remain a part of every thought that will be kept a secret. A secret between you and you. What is better than that? It keeps that mystery factor alive. It keeps you safe. It keeps you from becoming old news, crumbled pages, an old rag. Understand? No? Awesome.