We enable ourselves to feel the worst. That is how we prepare ourselves to shut every possibility around us in those few panicking moments. We fight every inch of optimism in order to prepare ourselves to experience the worst. Is that how we should live? Does it hurt less? Does it break the fall? Lessen the impact? I don't know. I've been the same person, the one that will choose to be in isolation so she can feel the pressure. The hurt. The attack. I have to feel the rush and in those few moments, feel the worst that I can so the moments after can only feel better. Is that ideal? Is that how we should behave?
People tell me that isn't the way to live. There is no justified reason for feeling those sick moments. No need to fight the pressure and no need to breathe within it. How can that be? How can I feel good without feeling bad? How can I laugh after without crying first?
No one answers me but I know it all very well myself. Let's be blunt. Be honest. I have done it to me and you cannot ever understand why because you have never done it to yourself. And with that in mind, I am foreign to you. I am something incomprehensible to you. I am not your ideal. I am far from that and you are estranged within my lips. I am that image in your mind where I am just a distanced memory. I cannot win your heart because I am literally handing it back to you with the way I isolate myself in complete dissolution. I am not what you want and I drove you to this, wanting just that for those few terrible moments. But now I am no longer in that phase and neither in your heart. Too bad because I now want nothing else but your approval. And too bad, I will never get it.
