Irony.

We expand our knowledge just to become fools overtime. We build on experience just to be lost one day. We make friendships just to be alone at home. We get married just to cry to sleep every night. Aren't we a silly bunch? We live in irony. It's rather sad, if you think about it. The way I have just summarized it.... It isn't news. We just like to pretend we aren't aware. Yet, we are very alert. We know what goes on. Sometimes it's just easier to pretend you are still in denial.

overflow.

We hope for the best but sometimes we know there is no use. We are nothing but just wishes that won't happen. We don't exist yet because if we did, we'd feel alive. Are these thoughts constructive? No. Are they cohesive? No. Do they hold grudges? Yes...

Are we not allowed to feel? To associate those feelings with moments we spend so idle? Are we supposed to be transparent? That isn't right. How can it be? How can something so destructive... be not?

See, we're all the same. We lie to ourselves and pretend everything is okay. We continue living like this and we think it will be okay at the end. We think we have no choice so we are forced to behave this way. Forced by someone in particular? No. Forced by society? Not really. We're forced by impulse. We think it's the way to be because that is the only way to survive and make it at the end. It isn't true, but who is there to tell us this? Everyone else is blindly following the same path.

Overtime, we become conditioned to live like this... all while our tensions escalate. All while the bold truth that this is all wrong builds up inside us. It builds up rather slow and at one point, it erupts. It explodes. It cannot be saved. It cannot be recovered or healed. It cannot be patched up. All it can do is just overflow and destroy anything that gets in the path. It takes the form of anger and sadness and disappointment and loneliness. It destroys everything that surrounds it all while taking every bits of you right into its core. It melts your dreams. Your ambitions. Your smile and your life.

What is this entry? It has started. I've just begun to overflow.

Sad day.

Days like these when I feel alone and I think to myself, were my hardships worth this? You would think I would be questioning luxury, not loneliness. I try hard to please people. That is my biggest problem. While everyone is focusing on their joy, I am focusing on what I can do to make people happier. I am what you call a sucker. I get pulled into situations that have nothing to do with me. Then as I am helping, I am not appreciated. And as I have done way beyond what I even expected myself to do, I am critiqued to the fullest extent. I am not perfect. I never claim to be and I am far from it. My concern lies in a bed that no one sleeps in. My life revolves around an axis that rotates around things with no meaning to me. That's right. I live a meaningless life and I am so busy with bullshit that I often go on without noticing it. Days that I do acknowledge it, days like today, it hurts too deep. It all makes me question why tomorrow exists. Once a person realizes they are being scammed, do they go on with the scam? Do they continue to put themselves in such a harmful situation? I do. I continue to hurt whatever is left of me. I continue to cry only to wake up tomorrow and do what makes me sad. This life makes me sad. Giving everyone everything you got only to have nothing to show for it, makes me sad. How is this different from dying alone? In fact, I would prefer to die in this manner than live in it. When you are dying, it is an end to all of this. But what about me? Am I living just to be alone? How is that living? I feel empty. I feel like a broken vessel. No one cares for me and I am often overlooked. My exterior isn't worth a second glance and I am a burden to the shelf that carries me. It's overwhelming to arrive at these feelings on a single day. On a single night. Within couple minutes. All when you realize you don't matter enough to anyone and all you have done is cared. Oh how I wish I didn't care anymore. I doubt I will change who I am, even if who I am is what causes me to be this sad on a day like this. It's quite sad. Everything.

Not Knowing

You know what's scary? Not knowing. This applies to anything you can imagine. Knowing is a comfort. It preserves. It serves. Preserves what? Our mind. Our trust. Serves what? Our soul. Our conscience. We are all alike in this manner. We enjoy knowing because it reconfirms the present and it relieves us of the consequences. How can ignorance be bliss? How can the darkness be enlightening when there is no light?

Then there's Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

How the hell does anyone compete with that? Right? But in a way, it's possible to find serenity within those words. At least, you'd know that everything and anything is bound to go wrong. And with that, we prepare ourselves for the worst. We are scared, of course. Yet, in a way, preparing ourselves to experience the bad makes us feel like we can take it on. It's as if, it's okay that the bad will happen.. it's bound to happen... and all we can do is get ready for it.

Silence.

Sometimes we stay silent because our silence is the most comforting gift we can give to someone. Our silence speaks in ways our words can't compare. We may think at one point, our silence will not amend hearts. It won't heal wounds. It won't provide a bed of ease and love. But you know what? It just might. Never underestimate what a good pair of ears can do. If you are not fond of it, teach yourself. Learn how to listen. To stay quiet and let them vent, let them yell, and let them sigh with bare naked regret. Your silence is more than enough. It allows them to dissolve their anger. It dilutes their sadness. It won't provide them with the light they need to follow, but it will provide the space needed for that light to appear. How wonderful is that? Imagine yourself giving birth to that opportunity, that potential of hope. Never let your silence stay silent. Shout it out. You will amaze yourself with the great results. Who knows. Someone might return the favor someday.

Gaze

There is so much more to a gaze than we often assume. There is a concern, a dying one. As we are battling the possibilities in our heads, we realize that the moment is almost over. We must act quick. Do what we are set out to do. Do what that gaze helped us see. Unfortunately, sometimes those same gazes cripple us into crumbs. No one cares about crumbs. Scattered. Lost. Nonexistence.

Can't be serious.

Every day you wake up and you think to yourself how some day you won't feel the way you do today. You open your eyes and you think, I will wake up somewhere else someday. Somewhere beautiful and somewhere the pain doesn't find tolerance to exist in. Some parts of you know that you won't find yourself in such bliss, ever. Some parts of you know that you will continue to linger your legs by the edge of your bed, feeling the resentment of those warm bed sheets raping the back of your calves. Some parts of you cannot be fooled.

But what about the rest of your parts? Can they continue to dance in harmonious dreams? Is that what hope is? To let the naive parts of you wait for a future that does not exist? People will say, you do not know for sure that it won't take place. Well, you don't know that it will either. Every day you wake up and nothing changes for the better. You are more miserable than the day before. You have worked harder, but things you could not control ignored your efforts. Fate turned its cheeks away. Who are you going to complain to? What are you going to do? Work even harder? Do you give up because fate will win? You constantly hear that you make your own fate. How is that possible when things happen to you that you have no control over?  A car accident? A disease? Airplane Crash? Someone robbing you? Someone hurting you? A loved one dying? How does that work? You may learn to cope with it, but accepting it is different. How do you accept that anything may happen to you whenever fate pleases and all you can do is just .... wait for a day where things will be better? Are you serious? Is that what you're going to do?

Is it simpler that way? To place your face against the pillow that resents you for being so restless? To close your eyes knowing that the next morning will be no better. It might be worse, but it won't make you smile. Is it okay to fall asleep and deep inside hope you do not wake up? Is that how you should feel? All these questions and only fortune-cookie-answers for a proposed rescue. You can't be serious.